


Not Ever

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Marauders, Marauders era, Memory Charms, Pining, Seventh year, Werewolves, happy ending ish, werewolf attack, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-22 22:43:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4853384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James and Sirius have detention, and Remus is left alone on the full moon.  Sirius' worst nightmare comes true when Remus is attacked, and he has no memory of anything.  Not the Marauders, not the past seven years, and not the relationship he's currently in with Sirius Black.</p><p>"Sirius clung to him like if he let go, Remus might disappear forever.  'Don’t forget me in the morning, Moony.  Please.'"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Ever

**Author's Note:**

> Uhg this is angsty AF. I'm having some serious angst in RL so I'm taking it out on these poor boys. I've been doing my AU but wanted something Marauders era. Of course I've given them a happy-ish ending because I can't torture my poor boys too much, now can I? xx

It wasn’t unreasonable to not expect the werewolf attack. It just so happened to fall on a night when Sirius and James both had detentions and both decided to follow through with them instead of skivving off to run with Moony. And Peter, of course, didn’t want to go alone, convinced if the two bigger animals weren’t there to protect him, rat might be on Moony’s dinner menu.

It was not an unreasonable fear.

It was too near moon-set though, so near it Remus felt it more than Moony. And god the pain. It wasn’t just the werewolves, either, though the teeth and claws would have done it. But there was magic and he could feel it digging round his brain and tearing holes and burning oh Merlin it burned.

Then the sun was up and the wolf was easing out of his bones, but Remus Lupin felt none of it. He was unconscious, battered, torn to shred and, as he would discover when he woke up, unable to remember most of his seventeen years.

*** 

“I swear to Merlin I don’t care if you are a teacher, I will hex you into next year if you don’t stand aside!”

Remus had been in hospital for the better part of two days, which he knew based on the sun rising and sun setting. But he was mostly out of it. Full of more potions than any food or pumpkin juice the kitchens could deliver. Some to keep him calm, some to regrow bones that were bitten off, and some to—as the Healer said—attempt to restore what had been ripped apart. In his mind.

He’d woken that first day confused. He remembered his name, that he was Welsh, a wizard, he had parents. He was at school, but the name escaped him.

“What happened to me?” he asked the looming wizard with the massive beard and half-moon specs.

“You were attacked. By what we believe was a pack of werewolves.”

He knew that word, and felt his heart beating so hard he was afraid it would escape his chest. “Am I…I was…bitten? Am I going to…to turn?”

Dumbledore, his swiss-cheese brain supplied. Headmaster. That came back at least. “Mr. Lupin, are you telling me you don’t remember?”

After that it was a quick game of catch-up which sent Remus into a violent panic attack and he had to be subdued. Dumbledore used several charms, Legilimancy and a pensive in an attempt to retrieve what was lost, but to no avail.

They were, however, able to pinpoint what was there and what wasn’t.

He was a seventh year student at Hogwarts. Gryffindor. A werewolf and the school provided a safe place to transform. Or well, it had been safe. Up to now. He was a good student, top marks and all. He had friends, ones who had sent gobs and gobs of sweets and cards, none of which he felt up to reading especially as he couldn’t remember who any of them were.

“Let me in!” The voice cried out loud again, making Remus wince. “I don’t give a flying fucking Hippogriff shit if I’ll get expelled. I’ve had enough now and I’m going to set my own two eyes on him if I have to rip them out of my head and toss them in through the door.”

“I hardly see how that would be in any way effective. Now if you’d kindly…”

“It’s alright, professor.” Remus recognised that voice. Dumbledore. “I think it’s high time he be allowed to see his friend. But there’s something you should know…”

That sentence wasn’t finished as a tall, gangly boy with long, sweeping black hair and sharp jaw burst in through the doors and stormed up to Remus’ bedside.

He was pink with relief and he flung himself at the foot of the bed. “Merlin, I thought they were lying. I almost hexed Minnie, and I know I’ve got about six month’s worth of detentions for that. Not that I’ll ever… shit…” This person, this person Remus didn’t recognise at all, leant up on his elbow. “You’re really okay though, eh? Moony? Say something. God, what did those fucking things do to you?” He was starting to crawl toward Remus’ face, so the tawny-haired boy put up a hand.

“I’m sorry,” he croaked, his voice still raw from everything. “But…who are you?”

The teen froze. Almost like he’d been hexed, and the colour slowly drained from his face. He went from pink to peaky and his chin quivered. “That’s not…that’s not fucking funny, Moony. I don’t…”

“Ah, Mr Black.” Dumbledore swept in and Remus turned his face up to the professor. “Sirius is in your dormitory, Mr Lupin. He was, as are all the other students, incredibly concerned about your state of being and was insistent he check you’re okay.”

Remus let out a sigh as he stared at the gobsmacked teen at his feet. “So we’re friends, are we?”

This Mr Black was still frozen, then in the smallest voice he said, “Why’s he asking me that? What did they do? What did they do!”

He became very nearly hysterical and was escorted out. Remus flopped back, tired from it all, partly wishing he could just get out of hospital and try to piece his life together. But also he was terrified of setting foot back in Gryffindor tower because they’d all know him, and he’d know nothing.

His Head of House, McGonagall, insisted everything would come back. “Like muscle memory, Mr Lupin. So have faith.”

But right now it was nothing. And why’d that boy keep calling him Moony for? Ridiculous name, really. He hoped it wasn’t his.

For the moment he thought he’d sleep. Because it would all get sorted out come morning.

*** 

James found Sirius in the common room well past two in the morning. There was fire roaring and Sirius was curled up with his knees to his chest. James was worried, hadn’t seen Sirius like that since he’d been officially disowned and cast out.

“Padfoot.” James perched on the edge of the sofa and waited for a response. When he got none, he sighed. “Did you see him? Was he worse than we thought?”

Sirius gulped, then peeked one eye over at his best friend. “We shouldn’t have… fucking…fucking Evans,” he spat. “Why’d she insist we take the fucking detention? Why did I listen to you!”

“Because you were on your final warning and they would have banned you from Quidditch…” James trailed off as he realised just what Sirius was saying. “Oh Merlin, is he going to make it?”

“He’s alive,” Sirius said, his voice dripping with bitterness. “He’s…” Then everything spilt from his lips like a damned waterfall and he was sobbing as James pulled him in for a cuddle because it was the only thing that was going to calm him down. “Not a thing. James he doesn’t remember…” His breath was shaking. “Dumbledore says we’ve got to remove any photos or anything that might imply…imply what we know. How much…how close we…” His voice cracked. “How close we are. Dormmates for now. That’s. That’s it.”

James let Sirius doze for a bit, the emotions making him exhausted, then he got Sirius up the stairs and into the room. He put Sirius in Remus’ bed for now, knowing it might make it hurt worse, but the smells of his lover would comfort him in sleep and right now, Sirius needed it. The rest they would sort out in the morning.

*** 

They skived off breakfast and morning Transfigurations as they got everything put away. James had a charmed box which would keep all the photos safe, and after digging, Sirius found the letters Remus kept between the two of them. Most had moving doodles of the pair of them engaged in semi-lewd acts, so James insisted those go as well.

“What am I going to do?” Sirius was on the floor, leaning with his back against Remus’ trunk, staring blankly at the unmade bed. “How can I…how can I just pretend…” He trailed off. “What would you do if Evans woke up and didn’t remember who you were?”

James blinked. “Is it permanent?”

“They don’t know. Dumbledore says there’s stuff in his head. All mucking about and maybe it’s eating the memories up, or maybe it’s blocking them. Dark magic. I bet it was my bitch cousin and I swear on the Black family name if I ever see her, I’m going to fucking kill her.”

James reached out and squeezed Sirius’ shoulder. “If we have to start over, we start over.”

Sirius’ eyes went wide. “You’re joking, right? Start over? You realise it took me three bloody years to seduce that stubborn, thick, reclusive ball of fluffy goodness, don’t you?”

James couldn’t help his laugh. “I’d do it with Lily. If I had to. I’d walk through every hex and every insult and every second she hated me until she loved me again. Because she’s worth it.”

Sirius leant his head back against the wall and took in a shuddering breath. But Moony was worth it. Worth all of it. They just had to be delicate because Dumbledore said if they triggered too much too fast he could go into shock. And if he did that, all might be lost.

So they had to play a game. And let Remus lead. And Sirius had to pretend that not five nights ago he wasn’t curled up in Moony’s bed with the curtains drawn and silencing spells abound, and a warm mouth devouring every inch of exposed skin. That in the morning there hadn’t been ridiculously sickening whispers of undying love and vows to the ends of the earth.

He had to pretend that he didn’t love this man. And that he didn’t know Remus loved him too.

*** 

The whole of Gryffindor had been briefed, and some of the other students in other houses. But times were precarious and with the inherent dangers of the looming war, not everyone could be told. So Remus was briefed as well. Just the need-to-know, enough that Dumbledore was confident he could recover without giving anything away.

“He knows you three are his best mates,” Dumbledore said just before he left the tower. “And that any questions should be directed to you. And that to the best of your abilities,” he stressed the last word, “you will endeavour to explain the situation.”

Sirius was listening, but he wasn’t there. Not present. Because Merlin everything in him ached.

Dumbledore was gone after that. James, Sirius, and Peter sat on their beds and they waited until Remus was set to arrive.

“Pads, can you do this?”

Sirius looked up at James with red-rimmed eyes. “Don’t much have a choice, do I? Not really.”

James’ jaw tensed like he wanted to say something else, but instead he sighed and leant back against his bed poster. “It’ll be alright. He’ll come back to us.”

Peter, who was uncharacteristically quiet, shifted to the end of his bed. He was still portly and round, but he was starting to look less like a child and more like the adult he would become in a few years. They all were, really. “Give him time. There’s no way even the strongest memory charm can erase you. Not that kind of love.”

Sirius wanted to shout at his friend. But he didn’t have the energy to do it. Instead he looked away. “What the fuck would you know, Wormtail.”

Peter made a small squeak, but James hurried to smooth the situation over and Sirius ignored them.

Then there was a commotion and Sirius went rigid. “They’re here. He’s…here.”

It felt like an eternity passed before the door opened and Remus stepped in. He had a host of new, fresh scars that not even the strongest potions could erase. He was shaking a bit, his eyes darting round nervously.

“I was told um…”

Sirius felt his heart freeze, and for a second he thought, ‘This is it. This is how I die.’ But it gave a painful lurch again, hammering against his ribs as James jumped up.

“That’s us, mate. You okay?” James strolled up, ruffling his hair a bit, then nodded toward Remus’ bed. “That’s you. Dumbledore explained it all.”

Remus let out a small sigh of relief as he sat down and carefully studied all of them. “You. From hospital,” he said to Sirius.

Throat going tight, Sirius could do nothing more than nod until he regained his bearings. “Looks like you’re alright, then?”

“Better than I was before.” Remus eased himself on to the bed, backing up against his pillows, and curled his knees into his chest. Sirius noted he hadn’t seen that position since the three of them learnt he was a werewolf and Remus had been certain the whole school would know by morning. “I’m sorry, this must be…”

“It’s fine,” James said. “Honestly, we’ll help you out.”

Remus nodded, then let out a miserable sigh. “Are we really friends?” Scrubbing his face, he growled. “They tell me these things but none of it feels…I dunno. There’s just nothing there. So I have to trust they’re telling me the truth.”

Sirius wanted to cry. Instead he flung himself down on his front, arm dangling over the edge of his bed. “Relax, mate. Just know we know you better than you know yourself. We know about your furry little secret. No one else does though. And we’re the three coolest people at Hogwarts, literally. So by proxy you are as well. Except you’re a nerd.”

There was a pause, then Remus laughed and Sirius wanted to die all over again because that was his laugh. Fuck. “Good to know. Am I shit at anything?”

“Potions,” James, Sirius, and Peter said at once.

Remus laughed again. “Alright. Slughorn’s class, is it?” When Sirius’ gaze snapped up, Remus shrugged. “Dumbledore made me memorise the professors.”

“You remember any of them?”

“Bits. Bits and pieces,” Remus said. His legs were starting to relax a little. “Dumbledore right from the off. McGonagall a bit. It’s the eyes. I remembered she’s a cat.”

Sirius felt his jaw start to tremble and he bit down hard, knowing he’d ache tomorrow. But it was worth it to protect Remus from whatever happened. “Well she’s alright now. We got in trouble a lot in her class but we’re better. Even so far as to attend our detentions.”

His words were so bitter, everyone looked at him, and Sirius could hardly miss James’ warning look. “Point is, we’re relaxed and don’t take much too seriously.”

“Dumbledore says you’re Head Boy,” Remus pointed out. “Is…are you…is that why I’m here?”

Peter rose from his bed. “You’ve always been here.” He pointed to the bedpost, the bit that wasn’t glamoured, since James thought it would be alright. Remus’ name was carved there. “First year.”

Remus ran his fingers round the letters, then let out a sad laugh. “Good to know. I’m sorry if this is…hard.”

Sirius looked away, but let out a casual breath. “No worries, mate. We take things as they come. Get you sorted in no time.”

*** 

Sirius woke to the sounds of moaning and whimpering, and though he was mostly asleep, instinct had him on his feet and crawling across the floor toward Remus’ bed. It was seconds before he pulled the blankets back and crawled in that he remembered, and he stopped.

He was so used to this. Remus always had nightmares after the shift, and it was no different, memories or not. Instead of crawling in, Sirius leant on the side of the bed and carded his hands through Remus’ hair. Eventually the whimpering stopped, but just as Sirius was about to pull away, Remus caught his arm.

“What are you doing?” he hissed.

Sirius gulped. “You were…having a nightmare.”

Remus’ eyes glinted in the light coming through the window. “Is this…do I…?”

“After the full moon.” Sirius reached for the bedside table, grabbed the empty goblet that was always there, took Remus’ wand, and tapped it. “Aguamenti.” It filled up, and Sirius handed it over with his free hand. “It helps,” he said before Remus grasped it. He took a few sips, then sighed.

“Do you always…?” He stopped. “I mean, when I have these nightmares. Is this routine? Do the three of you trade off?”

Sirius’ throat was tight again. “Been down to me lately,” he said as he extracted his wrist from Remus’ fingers. “But we used to.” That was true. Sometimes it had been James. Rarely Peter. Almost always Sirius.

Remus looked confused, but when Sirius started away, he made a noise. “Could you…sit with me? I feel a bit wonky.”

Sirius wanted to say no. And he wanted to say yes. He wanted to jump beneath the covers and kiss Remus until he remembered. Instead he sat atop the duvet and pressed himself close enough to give Remus touch comfort without getting intimate.

“This’ll help. Always does,” Sirius said.

Remus gave a careful nod, then laid back down and his eyes drifted closed. After a bit, Sirius stroked his hair again, and within minutes, Remus was asleep.

“Nightmares?”

Sirius looked up and saw James peeking through his bed curtains. “Bit.”

“He knows you’re there?”

Sirius nodded. “Asked me to stay. He’s asleep now. I’ll just…keep watch a bit.”

“If you want to trade off…?”

Sirius shook his head. “Go to sleep mate. Merlin knows I won’t be getting any no matter what.”

That much was true.

*** 

Sirius could perform the part of friend and Marauder just fine. He could pull himself back to third year whilst he was pining and aching for Remus but not saying a damned word. Or in fourth year when they started getting a bit more handsy but it was all just friend stuff.

Just friends.

The moment in fifth year right before Christmas when they stepped under mistletoe James had set out for Evans, and they laughed and joked and then…

“Oy, mate. You falling asleep?” James prodded Sirius with the tip of his wand, sending shocks through him.

Sirius growled, shoving James away. “Prongs, don’t be a dick.”

“You are though.”

They were in the library working on homework. McGonagall had set Sirius an extra six inches on his transfiguration essay because he’d fallen asleep twice in class. And he was falling asleep now. Because at night, he wasn’t sleeping. Because at night when he was scared or lonely or horny or lost, he couldn’t walk the six feet across cold stone to his warm lover’s bed.

And his Moony was sitting in front of him right now and he couldn’t say I love you.

“You know what, I think I’ll call it a night. I’ll give Minnie my puppy dog eyes and she’ll let me off.”

James started to protest, but Sirius was packing up and gone before anyone could get the words out.

Midnight came, and Sirius was sitting by the fire with a box of photos and he was tossing them in one-by-one. James caught him at it, and rushed over, saving a particularly cute one of Sirius nuzzling Remus’ face.

“Don’t. It’ll…he’ll…he’ll get there,” James said.

Sirius barked a laugh. “It’s been six weeks, Prongs. Six. He’s not fucking coming back. And he’s not…” His words stopped, choked in his throat. “Do you know what this is like? Having him here? And not being able to touch him? To hold him?”

“No,” James said. He sat behind Sirius and wrapped him in a hug. He’d always done that with Sirius. Whenever Sirius would come back from ugly hols or when his mum sent him a letter that cursed him with boils or when things were just shit.

James would hold him. Remus had taken over lately but…not now.

“I hope to Merlin you never understand it,” Sirius said, his voice muffled against James’ shoulder. “Fuck, Prongs. I want to die.”

That wasn’t the first time James had heard Sirius say those words, but it might have been the first time he believed them.

*** 

“Why’s James call you Padfoot?”

Sirius had, by accident, stumbled into the dorm where only Remus sat, and now they were alone together. Sirius had done everything in his power to avoid these moments. And so far over the last three month’s he’d done okay.

Sirius yanked his hair back, twisting it into a top knot, and shoved his want through it to hold it in place. “Dunno. Idiot name he came up with.”

“And Prongs?”

Sirius’ cheeks went red. It was obvious that if Remus remembered him running amok with a dog, a stag, and a rat, he still had no idea it was the three of them. “It’s an inside joke.”

“One I’d get if my brain hadn’t been turned into scrambled eggs?”

Sirius couldn’t help himself. He flopped down on the edge of Remus’ bed and stared up at the canopy. “Probably. You’ve got one as well.”

“Moony,” Remus mused. “That one I get. I don’t get Wormtail though.”

“No one gets him,” Sirius joked, and Remus laughed.

“I like your proper name though,” Remus said after a moment. “Sirius. Like the star.”

He very nearly cracked.

*** 

_“Geroff me!” Sirius was being pinned down by his cousin and she was laughing in his face. And his nose was bleeding. “I’m going to write my mum.”_

_“And she’s going to tell me to make sure you’re not a little Huflepuff nancy-boy,” Bellatrix hissed in his face._

_Sirius could feel the wheels of the train churning under his cheek, and his nose was aching. “Let me. Up!”_

_“Never.”_

_But then she was gone and a boy a bit taller than Sirius was, hauled him to his feet. He had a wand out, pointed at Bellatrix’s face. “That’s enough.”_

_“Ickle firstie thinks he’s going to best me,” she crowed._

_James flicked his wand, an almost casual gesture, and suddenly she was hit with a jelly-legs jinx. Sirius’ eyes went wide, but he had no time to process it as he was being hauled along by his robes into a compartment far from where the Slytherins were._

_This boy with the glasses and messy hair shoved Sirius into a seat where another boy was sitting. He had tawny hair and threadbare robes that looked worse than second hand. Maybe fourth or fifth. But he was smiling._

_“James rescue you as well?” His voice was warm, a little husky for a boy of eleven. But Sirius was embarrassed. “He got me ten minutes ago.”_

_“They were hexing his robes. Which,” the boy called James said and jumped up. He pulled his massive trunk down from the rack and ripped the top off. He gathered at least five robes into his hands and bodily shoved them at the tawny-haired boy. “Take these, will you. Mum sent me with four sets. Four. Dunno, maybe she thinks I’m going to ruin them all. Which is possible. But I don’t want to look like a twat.”_

_The tawny-haired boy pinked at the curse word, but took the robes and got his own trunk, then shoved them inside. “Um. Thanks.”_

_“Slytherins got this one. What’s your name?” James demanded._

_“Sirius. Black.”_

_The name had the effect Sirius feared. James grimaced. “Blacks are in Slytherin. You going to be in Slytherin?”_

_Sirius shrugged. “Suspect I will. Though I’d wish for anything else just so I don’t have to be around them.”_

_James studied him. “Not a prat, then?”_

_Sirius lifted his chin. “No. I’m awesome is what I am.”_

_There was a pause, then James laughed and clapped him on the shoulder. “If you get Ravenclaw, we can still be mates.” He rose and went for the door. “Going to buy sweets from the trolley. I’ll get enough for us to share.” Then he was gone._

_Sirius let out a breath and looked over at the other boy. “That was…”_

_“He’s a bit like a cyclone, isn’t he?” The boy brushed hair from his eyes. “I’m Remus by the way. Remus Lupin.”_

_“Sirius Black.”_

_His laughing amber eyes crinkled at the edges. “So you said. I like it, by the way. Your name. Sirius. Like the star.”_

_Sirius’ cheeks pinked. “Yeah well…”_

_“Just for the record, I’ll still be friends with you, Sirius. Even if you do get Slytherin.”_

_Sirius knew the boy was telling the truth, and he knew then his undying loyalty belonged to a tawny-haired boy with amber eyes and shitty robes._

*** 

“You alright?”

Remus prodded Sirius out of his thoughts, and Sirius sat up, scrubbing his face. “Yeah. Shit for sleep lately.”

“Because of me?”

“Because my classes are shit, and Snivellus is still shit, and everything is shit.” Sirius sounded so angry, and it startled Remus. “I’m going to the common room to study.”

Then he was gone.

Hours later, James, Peter, and Remus were finishing up their Potions essays and James looked over to see Sirius snoring away. Ink spilt and was on his cheek, and he rolled his eyes.

“Remus, wake him, will you? He’ll be even more insufferable tomorrow if we let him sleep like that.”

Remus nodded, frowning though because his stomach went all funny and did a little flop. But he got up and leant over Sirius’ shoulder, prodding him. “Oy. Mate. You’ve got to get up and back to bed.”

Sirius groaned, poking one eye open, then shutting it. “Five minutes, Moony. Tell James to do it.”

Remus couldn’t help a laugh, and he leant in closer, putting his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “James is busy. Come on, up with you.”

Sirius groaned, but instead of getting up he reached up, curled his hand round the back of Remus’ neck, and pulled him in for a kiss. The lips were pliant and warm and soft and so familiar he wanted to cry. But he was stunned, frozen there, and it wasn’t until James made a choked noise that Sirius came to, realised what he was doing, and flew backwards.

“Fuck. Shit. I’m…sorry. God.”

Remus was still standing there, unable to move. “Er…”

“Sirius is a man-whore who will snog anything that walks. Don’t take it personally,” James said, but there was fear in his voice.

“No I… it’s…” Remus scrubbed his face and glanced over at Lily and Peter who were standing behind James. “It’s fine. Sirius is just being Sirius, right?”

“Yeah. That’s me.” Sirius got up and rushed for the dormitory. 

When the three remaining boys entered, Sirius was in bed, curtains drawn. No one said a word, no one dared. And Remus put himself to bed with two thoughts. One—he damn well knew Sirius wasn’t just being Sirius. And two—he was only frightened by how much he wasn’t frightened by that kiss.

It was late. Had to be, when Remus woke to the muffled sounds of whimpers coming from another bed. Instinctually he knew it was Sirius Black, and unable to help himself, he crawled over. Sirius did this for him on after-moon nights, so maybe he did this for his mates as well?

He pushed the curtains aside and crawled up on the bed. Touching Sirius’ forehead, he noticed it was clammy and cool. Sirius turned in his sleep, and one eye opened. “M’ not sleeping.”

Remus laughed. “Not now.”

There was a long pause, then Sirius grabbed Remus by the wrist. “I feel like I’m dying.”

“Shall I get Madam Pomfrey?”

Sirius shook his head. “She can’t fix this. She already tried.”

After a silence, Remus touched the corner of his mouth with the tip of his finger. “It’s me, isn’t it?”

“Can’t say.”

Another pause. “Come to my bed. Yours is all lumpy.”

Sirius winced, then said, “You said that once, in second year. It wasn’t a lie.” Sirius looked like he wanted to protest, but Remus was dragging him across the cold stone floor and into his warm bedding. They settled under the duvet and Remus looked up at the dark canopy.

“Was there something here before?”

Sirius made a choked noise. “Photos.”

“No,” Remus said. “Not photos. Something else.” Something was sitting just outside his ability to remember, and if he just reached out further he could…”Something’s missing.”

Sirius said nothing though.

Remus carefully reached out, feeling for his wand, and with a whispered spell and flick of his wrist, the entire canopy lit up like the night sky. Pinpricks of light. Constellations which were not real except in this bed. The stars began to swirl and shift. A handful formed into two stick figures who began to dance, then one dipped the other down for a kiss.

Remus’ breath caught in his throat and he touched his mouth again.

“Moony please,” Sirius begged.

The stars shifted again and began to spell things out.

Padfoot loves Moony.

Love you forever.

Until the end of time.

Never apart.

Remus felt his throat tighten and tears in the corners of his eyes. “Why am I crying?” 

Sirius again said nothing.

“How long?” Remus begged.

“Since fifth year.” Sirius’ words were choked, strained and aching. “Christmas. James charmed some Mistletoe…”

“For Lily,” Remus breathed. He wasn’t sure why he knew. Or how. “But we got stuck.”

“Then you laughed and said…”

“Might as well.” Remus shifted to look at Sirius. “But instead of letting me, you grabbed me and kissed me and ran away. You hid for an entire day. I thought you were dead.”

Sirius reached out and dragged his fingers down Remus’ cheek. “You were so furious with me. You cursed my bedding to make me itch and wouldn’t take it off for a week. Had to sleep in yours. Which was okay, yours was more comfortable.”

Tears were shifting down his cheeks because he remembered some. A little. It was all there but so obscured. “Who did this to me? Why?”

“I don’t know.” Sirius reached out and brushed the tears away with the pads of his thumbs.

“They wanted to take it all away. Everything I ever felt that was love,” Remus breathed. He couldn’t be sure that was it, and yet he just knew. “Do you love me still?”

Sirius made a choked noise, and gripped Remus’ cheek a little tighter. “I’m so fucking sorry we went to detention. James was so worried about the Cup. Said we’d lose Quidditch and House if we kept skiving off. Said you’d be fine just one moon. Just one.”

Remus let instinct take over and he reached out, pulling Sirius down for a kiss. Their lips mashed together and Remus felt a sense of belonging. And if it was a fairy tale and magic fixed everything and love was the key, he would have remembered. But he didn’t.

And yet he felt like he didn’t quite need to. “I love you. They took my memories but I can still feel it,” Remus whispered brokenly.

Sirius clung to him like if he let go, Remus might disappear forever. “Don’t forget me in the morning, Moony. Please.”

Remus glanced up at the words lazily drifting across the canopy, at the star figures wrapped in an embrace similar to the one he was in now. He held Sirius tight because it was what they needed right then. It might not ever get all the way better. But he was stronger than the people who tried to hurt him.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said after a bit. “Not now.”

Not ever, the stars spelt out.

“Not ever,” Sirius whispered.


End file.
